Can you relate to what my pastor friend was feeling?
It was clear that he was deeply discouraged. His tone of voice and expressionless face told a story. He was feeling down.
“What’s going on, Joel? You aren’t your usual confident, energetic self. Are things okay at the church?”
This gracious southern gentleman reluctantly described how disappointed he was that the church hadn’t returned to normal, even though the covid pandemic is in the rearview mirror. He was troubled that tings might never get back to the way they were.
He felt like everyone had let him down.
Sensing we were on to something, I asked, “Tell me about it. Where’s this feeling of having been let down coming from?”
“They just aren’t as committed and faithful as they once were. I never know what or who to expect from one Sunday to the next. And there’s some people I’ve poured into, discipling them, and loving on them. But it feels like they’re drifting away, like it was all for naught.”
“So, you’re upset that people don’t reciprocate your love and service? You see them taking what they can get and then doing their own thing?”
Silence.
After a few moments of reflection and thought, he acknowledged that we had stumbled into something that we needed to discuss.
The importance of reciprocity
Let me divert from this recent conversation with my friend to discuss with you about the importance of reciprocal relationships between pastors and church members.
Reciprocity is crucial to healthy relationships between people. It is also a hallmark of mature Christian discipleship. Without it, if one person consistently gives more than they receive, the relationship becomes unbalanced, unhealthy, and harmful to both parties. Expecting reciprocity isn’t unhealthy, unspiritual, or unloving.
Quite the opposite, in fact. Many biblical texts show the importance of the reciprocal exchange of love, care, service, and affirmation. Let me briefly mention three.
The Father expects reciprocity
“If you walk in My statutes and keep My commandments, and perform them, then I will give you rain in its season, the land shall yield its produce, and the trees of the field shall yield their fruit. . . . But if you do not obey Me, and do not observe all these commandments, and if you despise My statutes, or if your soul abhors My judgments, so that you do not perform all My commandments, but break My covenant, I will also do this to you. . . .”
Leviticus 26:3-4, 14-16
Jesus expects reciprocity among his disciples
The Lord Jesus expects his followers to extend reciprocity to one another. He also expects that those in close fellowship with him will treat him with the reciprocity he extends to us in answered prayer. Consider the following verse and reflect on how you see reciprocity at the heart of an important Christian virtue.
“In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 7:12).
The “Golden Rule” is based in the need for reciprocity between Christian believers. It is essential to maintain loving relationships in which everyone lives in harmony and enjoys the blessings that come from loving bonds between believers. If I want others to be patient with me, I must be patient with them. If I need occasional words of encouragement to keep me going when I’m having a rough time, I need to help create a culture of mutual encouragement by lavishly dolling it out to my fellow believers. This deep-seated human need for reciprocity–you receive what you give and vice versa– is designed in us by God. It doesn’t always work, of course, but generally speaking we get from others what we offer to them.
Jesus expected reciprocity from his disciples.
In his hour of deepest agony, he expected — he needed — his men to extend to him the same care he had shown them on so many occasions. On numerous occasions he had calmed their fears, cared for their needs, and affirmed them in their wavering faith. He had invested heavily in their spiritual maturation and cultivated a deep, loving relationship with them over the course of several years. When his ordeal was finally upon him, he expected to receive succor and strength from them.
But they failed him.
“Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “What! Could you not watch with Me one hour?” (Matthew 26:40)
Imagine how disappointing that must have been!
Paul expected reciprocity from the Corinthian believers
The apostle Paul spent a lot of papyrus and ink pouring out his heart to the wayward Christians in Corinth. He had suffered greatly in their behalf, even supporting himself while he ministered to them. When they failed to reciprocate his love for them, he laid it out for them: they were indebted to him. The least they could do was love him in return.
“We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also.” (2 Co 6:11–13).
Pastors should expect reciprocity from church members
Reciprocity in pastor-church member relationships means that both parties actively support and benefit from the relationship. It’s not just a one-way street where the pastor is always giving and the congregants are always taking. Instead, it’s a mutual exchange of care and support that helps everyone involved grow and thrive. It’s not just about pastors giving, and church members taking, it’s a two-way street.
If the Father expects reciprocity from those who voluntarily entered into his Covenant, if Jesus expects it from and between his disciples, and if Paul expected it from the church he had poured heart and soul into, then there is every reason why pastors should expect reciprocity from their churches.
Why? Because reciprocity is a discipleship issue. When church members take and take and take but never give back, they are showing immaturity and loveless hearts. When they agree to sit with you for leadership and service training but never follow through by actually serving, they are showing themselves to be unreliable. Their “Yes” is actually a “No.”
Perhaps this is due in part to the fact that as their pastor you have failed to make your expectations clear. Or maybe they need a bit of instruction on how to cultivate healthy relationships with others. Whatever the cause or causes for their lack of reciprocity may be, you need to speak to the issue. If you don’t, you’re going to end up frustrated like my dear pastor friend.
But there’s a catch.
The problem of reciprocity
If pastors are not careful, they can bend reciprocity out of shape. Instead of serving others in love, we turn relationships into transactions instead of exchanges. Jesus warned us against this more than once. We’re told to give to those in need without expecting to be repaid. We’re told to extend hospitality without expecting payment in kind. After all, lending and hosting with the expectation of receiving the same in return is what the sinners do! (Luke 6:34-35).
Reciprocity between believers is not an exchange of goods and services, that’s a transaction! Rather, it is the mutual expression of love and appreciation that strengthens social and interpersonal bonds between people.
But pastors often, without even realizing they’re doing it, slip into transactional mode because they’re looking to church members for something that only Christ can provide. Pastors are no different from anyone else in that they need affirmation of their worth and value. The subtle error is expecting to find affirmation of their existential value in the way that others treat them, speak about them, or respond to them.
When we don’t receive words of affirmation or spontaneous expressions of loyalty and affiliation, we fall into the trap of interpreting the lack of a specific kind of reciprocity as a personal rejection. We interpret their “failure” as a reflection of what they think of us or how (little) they value us.
Don’t be fooled! The fact is they aren’t thinking of you at all. And that’s because they are spiritually and emotionally immature people, the very sorts of people from whom we should expect nothing at all. It is a big mistake to interpret their immaturity as somehow reflecting on you. We condemn ourselves to endless misery when we seek affirmation from immature and insensitive people. Once we get stuck in that quagmire, it is extremely difficult to escape without the Holy Spirit’s aid.
CONCLUSION
Most pastors in America are laboring in fallow fields. It is likely that your harvest is a long, long way off. Be faithful while you go about your daily tasks, and wait on the Lord to bring forth fruit.
I learned this lesson early on in my Christian life.
The Lord had drawn me into a prison ministry in Mexico, witnessing to American serving hard time for drug crimes. Twice a month I visited the men who would speak with me, sharing the gospel and bringing them things to read.
When I eventually left that area to take up training for vocational ministry, I was discouraged. None of them had come to faith in Jesus. I felt like a failure.
Until years later when I received a letter from Bob.
He wrote to tell me that he now believed in Jesus. But only him; a revival had broken out in that prison. Men were being baptized in the prison showers, and there were daily Bible studies and prayer sessions in every cell block all over that prison.
I can still remember the tears of joy that flowed while I read his letter and the deep gratitude I felt toward the Father for having allowed me to play a small part.
And I look forward to the day when I see those men in heaven.
Pastor, if your harvest is a long time coming, don’t give up. Don’t give in to discouragement and depression. In time God will produce the fruit you long to see.